Presenting the Apocalypse Show

Bush: Iran Still a Danger Despite Report

While U.S. intelligence about Iran has changed, Bush showed no inclination to alter course. Iran continues to produce enriched uranium that could be transferred to a secret weapons program, he said. "So, I view this report as a warning signal that they had the program, they halted the program. And the reason why it's a warning signal is that they could restart it," the president said.

It's so hard to muster outrage when the situation feels for all the world like a poorly-written sitcom. Seriously, this is like ALF trying to lay a line on Willie while the audience titters at his audacity. "They stopped! That means they could start again!" [Puts cat in blender.] We're not actually going to end up falling for this, are we? They're so transparently absurd that they're simply not going to be taken seriously, right? And they can't just, say, summon up armies of the dead and just charge the borders? (I'm fairly certain that they couldn't before, but Jerry Falwell's dead now, and there was Pirates of the Caribbean—I'm just saying maybe the rules have changed on that one.) Maybe this is the go-for-broke gamble in the Apocalypse plan. They were looking for that permanent Republican majority, but they've had to move the timetable up in case the boys in the lab can't pull another election out of thin air. I mean, sure, if you really want a first-rate, class-all-the-way apocalypse, you'd give Vladimir and the boys time to really get angry, maybe let China rev up a bit, poke Kim Jong Il with a stick and THEN play chicken with Iran, but the play clock is running, here. Got to move quick. If you were the ill-defined committee of evil interests that spoonfeeds our President his agenda, and you were trying to bring about the Apocalypse, the thought running through your bizarre hivemind might just be, "Fuck it, we've got a year and a half: Unleash the hounds. We're all going to Heaven, anyway." It's so cartoony as to be unreal, but so's Christianity and you've seen how that one's going. The logical mind reels at the thought of them actually being serious and having the juice to pull it off, but the logical mind has not been paying off at the track recently. Somewhere, someone who once worked for Karl Rove is both being fellated by a handsome young page and holding a manila folder labeled, "How to start a second war once your first one has gone all clusterfuck and no one even trusts you with the keys to their van."